LOCATION: Toronto

McDonald’s is the official restaurant of the 2010 Vancouver Olympics!

And they’ve been the official food provider for the previous 7 consecutive games! What an honor for our athletes!

I’m not sure why I didn’t discover the association between McDonald’s and the Olympics earlier. It makes perfect sense.

I’ll break it down for you. There are four main reasons why McDonald’s is the obvious choice to be the official restaurant of the Olympics from now until the end of time…

1 – Of course, it’s the food of choice for elite athletes around the world!

Just take a look at this official press release from US Olympic team. But just in case you’re rushing out the door for that healthy McNugget and don’t have time to read the whole thing, I’ll give you an excerpt:

“Athletes continue to tell us they love our quality food when training or celebrating wins at the Games, and it’s one of the reasons we’re proud to be the only brand serving them as the Official Restaurant of the Olympic Games,” McDonald’s chief marketing officer Mary Dillon said.

See… They actually eat the food while simultaneously training! AWESOME!

2 – McDonald’s has tons of money to spend at the Olympics.

Thanks to the brains in the McDonald’s corporate headquarters, they expertly save money by underpaying their employees. See here! Or just read the quote below – that Big Mac is waiting for you and it won’t eat itself!

“British Columbia has the lowest minimum wage in Canada at $8 an hour. It has been frozen for eight years. However, McDonald’s in the Lower Mainland use the so-called training wage to lower starting salaries to as little as $6.35 an hour.”

“Training wage.” I wouldn’t have thought of that. It’s pure OLYMPIC GENIUS AWESOME!

3 -The food has secret ingredients that give you super-human strength.

Yeah, you heard me. You eat at McDonald’s and you become super-freakin’-human!
If you don’t have to rush off to accept your gold medal on an Olympic podium, you can read the full ingredients list for McDonald’s food.

But just in case they’re waiting to play your anthem, here’s a sampling:

Chicken McNugget

Chicken, water, salt, modified corn starch, sodium phosphates, chicken broth powder (chicken broth, salt, and natural flavoring (chicken source)), seasoning (vegetable oil, extracts of rosemary, mono, di- and triglycerides, lecithin). Battered and breaded with water, enriched bleached wheat flour (niacin, iron, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), yellow corn flour, bleached wheat flour, modified corn starch, salt, leavening (baking soda, sodium acid pyrophosphate, sodium aluminum phosphate, monocalcium phosphate, calcium lactate), spices, wheat starch, dried whey, corn starch. Batter set in vegetable shortening. Cooked in partially hydrogenated vegetable oils, (may contain partially hydrogenated soybean oil and/or partially hydrogenated corn oil and/or partially hydrogenated canola oil and/or cottonseed oil and/or sunflower oil and/or corn oil). TBHQ and citric acid added to help preserve freshness. Dimethylpolysiloxane added as an anti-foaming agent.

Umm… did you catch the last 2 ingredients?!

The first preserves your “freshness!” Now we know the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’s secret.

And the other keeps you from “foaming,” I presume, at the mouth when you become a super-human-incredible-hulk-attack-dog!

That is AWESOMENESS SQUARED!!

And get this… In 2002, someone actually tried to sue the fantastic restaurant chain and the judge came to McDonald’s defense when he said:

Chicken McNuggets are a “McFrankenstein” creation of various elements…”

He obviously recognized the pure animalistic effects those golden poppers can have on the human body.

4 – Last but not least, McDonald’s is GREEN!

Yup. They reduce, reuse and recycle whenever possible. Just look at this picture…

Those toothpicks are whittled from the same club that was used to force the “unusually large breasted” chickens into the “grinder and mechanical separator” that turns them into the delicious food of champions. That’s FOOD-OF-THE-GODS AWWWWWWWESOME!!!

In conclusion…

You suck McDonald’s!

You suck the sadness from the world and your golden arches light the way for the human race to be the best it can be.

Just kidding. You suck.

Anna found Daisy in Chinatown, Toronto. She was undernourished, had ear mites and a bad gash on her nose. Anna took her, cleaned her up and made her a part of the family. You’d think she’d recall her rough street walking days and be thankful for every day she gets to lead a life of leisure. Au contraire! Now she acts like show owns this place and everyone in it. And you know what, she pretty much does. Here’s a short list of what she’s done and continues to do:

1) Daisy loves to eat plastic and cellophane until she throws up
Everyone has their vice.

2) Daisy loves to run outside and eat grass until she throws up
Ok, she has two vices. You’re probably wondering why we don’t stop her from going outside. If you saw how much she enjoys the outdoors, you’d let her out, too. I’d rather clean up the puke than see her unhappy.

3) Daisy doesn’t clean herself so well after she poops
This one might be because she’s a few pounds overweight. We’ve put her on a diet, but until that kicks in, we have to cut her bum hair once a week to make things more comfortable for her.

4) Daisy knocked my hard drive over and killed it
This happened when Anna and I first started dating. So I played it cool.

5) Daisy spilled red wine on my laptop and killed it
This happened later in Anna’s and my relationship. I wasn’t as cool.

And for the piece de resistance. Or perhaps I should say the PEEce de resistance…

6) Daisy pees in 6 different parts of our house!
The carpets have been replaced and we’re FINALLY ready for house parties again, but we have to keep a close eye on her. Honestly, we can’t take our eyes off her EVER. If we do, she is sure to pee somewhere again.

Don’t worry, she isn’t sick (we took her to two veterinarians), but it actually would be easier if she WAS sick. That way we’d give her some meds and the problem would go away, done deal. But now we’ve got a behavioral problem which is much harder to deal with.

It started soon after we moved to our new apartment in December, 2008. Daisy had never done anything like this before, but she’s obviously a “pro” because when she started peeing, she started full force. At first only I could smell it, near the workout room in our apartment.

I foolishly suggested the odor was from Anna sweating when she ran on the treadmill.

I was quickly informed by words and the insulted look on Anna’s face that no amount of her exercise could ever produce any type of foul smell. She then told me I was probably smelling my upper lip. We’re very mature in our family.

Soon Anna started to smell it, too, and we figured out it was cat pee. We didn’t know which of the two cats was doing it, so we laid a trap. We put down plastic bags where we found the pee and we set up a camera. Yup. we had to spy on our cats. We felt a little dirty doing that, but it had to be done. And it’s not nearly the dirtiest thing we do.

After one night, we watched the tape back: Daisy come up to the camera, smelled it, knocked it over and then the battery went dead. We’re obviously not pros at this.

The next day, as I was setting up the camera again, the craziest thing happened. Daisy walked in the room, looked at me, smelled the floor, turned and peed on the bag. Right in front of me! No friggin’ shame. Not trying to hide a damn thing. It broke my heart.

The next seven months were filled with plans, schemes and cleaning products.

Here’s some of what we tried, including the costs.

1. Two vet visits. $600.
2. We bought a truckload of Urine Off. It’s a cleaner with enzymes to break down pet urine odors. It usually works, but you have to use a lot of it over time. Approx. $100.
3. We also tried an industrial cleaning service $150.
4. We found out the carpet was too far gone and then had it replaced. $400.
5. We went away on vacation, she peed on the carpet more so we bought more Uring Off. $100.
6. We bought the book, Twisted Whiskers. Notice a resemblance here? $13.50.
   
7. We bought a room divider at Pier 1 to keep her out of the breakfast nook. $200.
8. We bought another room divider at Home Depot to keep her IN the living room when we’re both in there watching TV. It’s really a garden fence, but it’s the only thing that will fit in the space. $30.
9. We bought her bladder medicine and herbal remedies. $75.
10. We bought soothing lavender diffusers. $75.
11. We hired a cat whisperer to adjust her aura and to realign the energy balance in our house. $100.

GRAND TOTAL: $1,843.50

This got me thinking…

Per pound, the Million Dollar Baby was worth $5,882, assuming she weighed in at 170 lbs.

If you add up the money for vet visits, food, litter, toys, etc. and multiply that out over Daisy’s expected lifetime. Then add in all the damage she caused and the cost of the peeing fiasco, you know how much she’s worth per pound?

$5,863!

That’s right folks. Daisy is the Million Dollar Baby!

And she’s worth every penny. Damn you, cockfog!